Aliens Do The Funniest Things
by Telynaur
Summary: Series of one-off chapters which detail the less than serious moments in a rough tough Torchwood agent's life. The stories will mainly focus on Jack and Ianto but the others will get a look in as well.


A/N: This will be added to as inspiration strikes me.

Disclaimer: Not mine; they belong to the Beeb who didn't deserve them.

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><p><strong>A-Hunting We Will Go<strong>

Ianto was exasperated. Jack knew he was in touch with his inner lemming when he realised that he thought that was cute. Things that exasperated Ianto tended to drive ordinary human beings into an incandescent rage but Ianto believed firmly in the adage 'don't get mad, get even'. People who Ianto was exasperated with tended to have fiendishly subtle and terrifyingly apt things happen to them. So the fact that Ianto was feeling very exasperated with Jack should have made Jack sit up and pay attention.

Instead Jack kept getting distracted by how magnificent Ianto looked when his eyes flashed and he put his hands on his hips like that.

"Jack!" Ianto yelled.

Desperately trying to drag his mind out of the gutter it was happily annexing, Jack did his best to look penitent, alert and decisive. "Yes, Ianto?"

Ianto sighed. "You haven't been listening to a word I said, have you?"

"Of course I have," Jack said in a hurt tone of voice. "You were saying that we have to do something about the boomdac."

"Yes, Jack, we have to 'do something'," Ianto said with a sarcastic inflexion to his voice. "And something a hell of a lot more conclusive that the somethings we've been doing so far!"

_Damn, he was sexy when he was taking charge_, Jack thought with a shiver. "I've outlined a few options," he pointed out.

This time Ianto folded his arms across his chest. "I am _not_ chasing after an alien with a giant butterfly net," he declared. "Neither am I going to dig pits and line them with tin foil, put out lobster pots baited with pear drops, walk around making weird noises that are apparently a mating call or hang from a tree wearing a black bin bag because that will make me resemble a suitable nesting site!"

"But-"

"Jack, I suffer from enough losses of dignity going about my everyday duties. I am _not_ giving Owen any more ammunition."

"Well, fine," Jack huffed. There he was, imparting his hard won knowledge of the universe and what did he get in return? Abuse. Ingratitude. "Well, what do _you_ think we should do?"

"I think we should all stake out suitable places where the alien will strike next and when the boomdac turns up _you_ can chase after it with a giant butterfly net or hang from a tree wearing a black bin liner."

"But I'm the leader," Jack protested.

Ianto gave him an evil grin. "And you can lead by example," he retorted.

OOO

Jack reflected that life sometimes seemed to be compensating for making him devastatingly attractive and intelligent by ruining his social life. He had planned to take Ianto out tonight and had booked a romantic restaurant and secured tickets to a concert that Ianto had mentioned he'd love to go to. Everything had been organised down to the last detail and then the boomdac had come through the Rift and everything had gone pear-shaped. Boomdaci weren't all that dangerous. The alien equivalent of rabbits, they could give a person a nasty nip with their incisors but they were more likely to run like hell in the opposite direction if they saw you coming. That was the problem. Boomdaci could give greyhounds a run for their money and they had very sharp eyes and ears. Sneaking up on them was extremely difficult and chasing after them was impossible. The only option was ambush but that meant a cunning disguise was needed.

Jack sighed as he hung upside down from the tree. They'd tried everything else and it was getting on for dusk, when all good little boomdaci should be in bed. Jack rustled the black plastic bin liner in a way that would resemble the parasitic plant that boomdaci typically nested in on their home world. He was very conscious of the fact that the blood was rushing to his head instead of rushing in another direction instead and he was very _very_ conscious of the fact that they only had another hour to wrap this case up before Jack's restaurant reservations bit the dust.

"_Jack, we have movement. I think the boomdac is heading in your direction."_

Tosh's soft voice sounded in his ear before he heard the sharp click of the channel being closed. The others were all tired and mud-splattered by now and all of them were thinking longingly of Ianto's coffee and a nice long rest. None of them wanted anything to go wrong with this attempt since that would mean them either having to work through the night or shooting the boomdac. Having got a good look at the fawn-coloured creature, only Owen was still willing to consider the latter option, but then Owen named his lab rats after ex-girlfriends.

Jack heard the sound of something moving through the long grass and then he caught a glimpse of brown and cream through the folds of the bin liner. The boomdac was sitting up and looking around suspiciously, long tufted ears moving to catch the slightest suspicious sound. Fortunately for them the animal had only a rudimentary sense of smell but Jack was careful to keep his breathing light and even. After a moment the boomdac seemed to be satisfied because it crouched down on its haunches and then leapt up into what were Jack's waiting arms.

The next fifteen minutes would probably be covered in the official report as 'demanding'. The boomdac did not appreciate finding out that its supposed haven of rest had grabbed it and showed no signs of letting it go. Its claws might be blunt but they had been evolved for digging and they were backed by powerful muscles while the rear legs were also powerful and designed to kick the boomdac into a flat run. The boomdac used all of that and its teeth to get free. By the time the rest of the team got to him, Jack had been very thoroughly pummelled and gnawed upon and he was more than happy to surrender the little monster to Ianto who then expertly shoved it into the cage held by Owen.

"Oh, it looks so frightened," Gwen cooed as she got her first good look at the doe-eyed creature as it cowered inside the cage.

"Uh, guys," Jack said as he tried to untangle himself from the bin liners.

"I didn't realise how beautiful it was," Tosh agreed as she tried to make the noise that Jack had told them was the mating call.

The boomdac sat up and looked around, its feathered ears lifting up and fanning the air. The girls awwwed in delight while Ianto started muttering about getting it some food and Owen looked marginally less bad tempered than usual.

"A little help?" Jack said peevishly.

"Hmm?" Ianto said vaguely without really looking away from the boomdac, which was tentatively testing the bars of the small cage and trilling to itself.

"A little help for the man who signs your paychecks?" Jack said that little bit louder.

That managed to get Owen's attention and Jack soon found himself being cut down from the tree. If his descent was a little more ramshackle than he might have wished for, he was willing to ignore the giggles and he managed to pick himself up with dignity as he trailed after the others as they made for the SUV. He very especially did not acknowledge the smirk on Ianto's face.

"So what's going to happen to Petal?" Gwen asked once they had all got into the SUV.

"Petal?" Jack queried.

"The boomdac," Gwen explained patiently. "She looks just like a Petal, don't you, my lovely?" she crooned.

"She's a he," Jack said as he pulled away.

"How-"

"Don't ask him," Ianto instructed Gwen. "It'll only encourage him."

Jack very professionally put out his tongue and Ianto grinned back. "As it happens, Mr Jones," Jack said in affronted dignity, "female boomdaci have little horns. This one doesn't so he's a boy."

"The females have the horns?" Owen asked. "Oh, great, even the alien animals are feminists," he groaned, then yelped as both Tosh and Gwen gave him a punch. "Okay, okay, I was only joking. So what are we going to do with Rambo?"

Jack sighed and wished the others would leave the naming to Ianto. "I've got a friend who lives on an island. He's taken several animals like the boomdac off me before now. No-one visits him so he can let the critters run wild. We'll keep this one for a month or so to make sure it's not sickening for something and then I'll give Jeff a call and he can come and pick him up."

He brought the SUV to a halt and climbed out. The others looked around in startled surprise since they were nowhere near the Hub.

"What-?" Gwen started to ask.

"Ianto, out you get," Jack ordered briskly. "The three of you, take the boomdac back to the Hub, do all the necessary, feed him, and bed him down for the night. Owen, you're down for night duty. Call me if it's really bad, otherwise pester the other two."

"But… where are you going?" Gwen demanded.

"Ianto's to shower and change, first of all," Jack said as he checked his watch. He glanced up to see Ianto's look of dawning comprehension followed by a delicious blush. "We can still make the restaurant if I ring from your place and grovel. See you all tomorrow," he called out to the others as he towed Ianto away.

"But-"

"Leave it, Gwen," Owen said in resignation. Jack had already taken him to one side and threatened him with all manner of nasty accidents if Owen called either of them in for anything less than Armageddon. "Just drive and swing by a late-opening supermarket or something because we're going to need to stock up on carrots!"

OOOO


End file.
